By the time I got to church yesterday, I was feeling overwhelmed. I locked myself in Jesse's office when he took the jr. high kids for youth group time, and just sat in his chair and cried.
Aside from my love for Jesse and my desire to care for him and make a happy home for him, I feel unfulfilled in life. I miss the feeling of belonging somewhere. I belong at Jesse's side, I belong in our home--and I'm truly happy there--but I don't feel like I belong anywhere else. It's been over two years since I had a job that I loved--where I felt called to be and where people were happy to have me. It's lonely floating around from one thing to another...and as relieved as I am to have a position right now, I know that it's not what I want for my life. I don't feel needed, and I don't feel fulfilled. I didn't need to go to college for five years to get this job, and when I look at all of my studet loans and realize I'm not making enough right now to be able to take care of it, I get stressed.
Being a substitute teacher for the past two years has just torn at my soul. It's such a lonely thing to fill in for someone else but to be a "nobody" at the same time. I started to feel transparent--like I didn't expect anyone to pay attention to me because...why should they? I find myself acting like that where I am now, too, and I hate it.
I feel guilt for not being able to pull my weight for the entirety of our marriage. I worked full time as a preschool teacher through college, and I looooooved it. I was so happy there. But pursuing elementary teaching has been one hopeless thing after another.
Jesse doesn't want me to worry. We've always agreed that he would be the bread-winner. We don't want to depend on my earnings so that some day, I can stop and devote my days to being a mommy. But that's not where we are yet, and I want to be doing everything I can to help us out in the meantime!
There are so many unknowns these days...and sometimes my fears for the future cloud out my trust in God. I reeeeeeally need to work on that. How can I be a loving, supporting wife if I don't trust in God? There's no way that Jesse and I can do this ourselves! How can I say that I'm a child of God if I don't hand Him everything as faithfully as I handed my troubles to my parents when I was a little girl?
Last night at our young adult Bible study, Jesse opened the Bible to 1 John 3. These verses really spoke to me:
1How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. 2Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 3Everyone who has this hope in Him purifies Himself, just as He is pure.
I need to remember that I'm a creation that is not yet complete...God is forming me and shaping me everyday. Someday, I'll probably look back on these days and understand why they were needed. Until then, I'm just praying for peace, patience, and a whole lot of trust!
This came in my email today from my friend Sarah (who used towork at the preschool with me) It's a simple reminder, too.
ABCs you should always remember:
Although things are not perfect
Because of trial or pain
Continue in thanksgiving
Do not begin to blame
Even when the times are hard
Fierce winds are bound to blow
God is forever able
Hold on to what you know
Imagine life without His love
Joy would cease to be
Keep thanking Him for all the things
Love imparts to thee
Move out of "Camp Complaining"
No weapon that is known
On earth can yield the power
Praise can do alone
Quit looking at the future
Redeem the time at hand
Start every day with worship
To "thank" is a command
Until we see Him coming
Victorious in the sky
We'll run the race with gratitude
Xalting God most high
Yes, there'll be good times and yes some will be bad, but...
Zion waits in glory...where none are ever sad!
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I feel like I could have written this post. It is reassuring to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way, struggling to find work and seeking to be fulfilled. It is difficult to trust God with so many unknowns, but I know he has something great planned for both of us. We will be able to look back on this time and see God's hand working mightily in our lives. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteechoing heather, i feel like i could have written this too. that's been my biggest problem lately - i bring huge amounts of student loan debt into our marriage, and i'm barely making minimum wage and can only hope that someday, maybe, i'll be teaching. i feel so incredibly guilty... remind me to tell you about the book i'm reading. it's been encouraging in an interesting way.
ReplyDelete((((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteSometimes, it is hard to hand our troubles to God and trust that He has a plan in mind for us. I hope that you find the peace that you need. You'll find your place soon!