Set Free

Today is the first day of school at our church school.  The first day of school anywhere used to leave me feeling empty and discouraged.  As a long-term substitute for three years, the first day of school always reminded me that my dream of being a classroom teacher wasn't being realized.

All my life, I wanted to be a teacher.  When I was in first grade, I would round up the neighborhood kids as soon as school was over, sit down with them at my little plastic picnic table, and teach them what I had learned that day.  I give myself half the credit as to why my siblings are so intelligent :)

My favorite fictional characters were Anne Shirley and Christy Huddleson.  I wanted to be just like them: inspiring young minds everywhere through love and encouragement.  I pictured myself with classrooms full of grubby hands and jelly-smeared faces, little children lisping words and doing their best to reenact a scene from our history book.

I went to college and loved every minute of my education classes.  The dream of becoming a teacher was so close at that point.  So tangible.

The year that I graduated from college, 2 of my classmates out of the 25 of us who had worked toward our credentials together got teaching jobs that fall.  We graduated on a high of dreams and ideals into a world swirling with pink slips and tenure.  There was no place for us.

I blogged a lot in the next two years about the heartache and emptiness of waiting for a teaching job.  God didn't see fit to answer my prayers in the way that I was hoping--expecting--Him to.

After 3 years of praying for a teaching position, 3 years of being a "nobody" as a substitute, I gave up and returned to the life of being a preschool teacher.  What a year that was!  The day that I was hired was the day that I found out that I was pregnant.  God works in funny ways, doesn't He?  I worked up until 2 weeks before my due date, and then I came home indefinitely.

And now I have a job that I'm happy to get up for at any hour.

I love being a mom.  Taking care of Kayleigh makes every feeling of emptiness and inadequacy melt away.  I'm doing what I was called to do.  I thought God created me to be a teacher (and someday, I still hope to be one) but now I know.  God created me to be Kayleigh's mom.  Jesse's wife.  The homemaker of our family.

I don't need to feel like less of a person because I never got to put my credential to use.  I have it, and someday I'll look forward to being in a classroom full of little ones again.  But I can honestly say that this is the first "First Day of School" where I'm not wondering why God hasn't put me to use in a classroom.  I'm not arguing with my Creator and trying to convince Him of what a great teacher I would be if He would just give me the chance.  I'm thankful for where I am and what He has given me.

I've been set free.  Free of guilt, free of wondering why, free of feeling inconsequential.

God hasn't given me a classroom full of little ones, but He has given me this little one.

And she's just about all I need to know that God has given me purpose.