Starting Goodbye

I gave away my last box of milk supply-increasing tea two days ago.  It's funny how it's been affecting me ever since.  My sweet friend is at the beginning of her breastfeeding journey with her daughter, and Kayleigh and I are nearing the end of ours.

{via}

I've been a breastfeeding momma for 353 days, and it's been the most tender, beautiful bond I've ever shared.  It makes me sad to think that we are nearing Goodbye.

Every family is different, and I certainly don't judge mothers who either were not able or chose not to breastfeed their children.  I have wonderful momma friends who have formula fed, and a courageous momma friend who found milk donors so that her children could have breastmilk even when her body couldn't make it for them.  It all comes down to doing what's best for your family.

For my family, breastfeeding Kayleigh was a choice that Jesse and I made together, and I'll always be thankful for the support and care that I received from my husband.

It's been a beautiful year.  I love being Kayleigh's momma, and I love being able to feed her with my body.  It's a precious relationship unlike any other that God has created.  My little girl knows that her momma provides for all of her needs.  We both love the closeness that breastfeeding gives to us.  I love the feeling of holding her so close to my heart, and she loves the comfort of being there.

For the first 6 months of Kayleigh's life, she was an exclusively breastfed baby.  I think it was a big contribution to her delicious chubbiness :)

After that, we started adding solids.  I'm proud of my girl for what a great eater she is--she never turns anything down! {unless she thinks it's baby food}

Even though she officially snubs purees and baby cereal in favor of the good stuff {aka anything on Mom or Dad's plate}, she still really enjoys nursing.  And I'm so thankful for that.

But as precious as it is and as wonderful as it has been, it's not going to last forever.  My baby girl is growing up, and with that growth comes the budding independence that I'm so proud of.  She doesn't need me like she used to.  And while that hurts to think and even wells tears up in my eyes, it's a good thing.  Kayleigh is a loving, smart, increasingly independent girl.  Her daddy and I pray for those things every day for her.

Our children grow up.  We know that.  We treasure the pregnancy days with the little kicks and hiccups knowing that's physically the closest they will ever be to us.  And then we cherish the days of newborn snuggles and holding little ones to our hearts while we feed them.  But they keep growing.  And soon they're doing things all on their own and we're thrown into the world of "Look, Mom!"  And it just keeps tumbling and speeding forward--their independence tearing at our hearts and making them burst with love and pride at the same time.  

This momma's heart is bursting.  Love, pride, thankfulness, and joy fill my heart when I think of our breastfeeding journey.  Every time I nurse Kayleigh, I cherish each little bit of it.  The way she traces her finger across my skin, plays with one of my curls, jingles my necklace.  The way she stops and smiles at me halfway through before nuzzling back in for more.  The adorable way she signs "Milk" to me when that's all she wants.

I'm not intentionally ending our breastfeeding journey, but I know it won't last forever.  I'm producing much less than I used to, and as Kayleigh continues to enjoy other foods and experiment with new tastes, she needs me less and less.  In the past, I used the milk tea as a way to regain my supply when I hit a dry spell from stress or sickness.  I used to panic if my supply started to dwindle, irrationally fearing that my baby was going to starve or become malnourished (isn't it lovely what hormones do to you?)  I don't have to worry any more.  We breastfeed because we love it, not because we have to.   It's a beautiful journey that we've shared together, and I'm so thankful for it.  And when my little girl decides that she no longer needs to breastfeed, I probably will curl up and cry for a little bit.  But then I'll be proud of my sweet girl and the beautifully independent little person she is growing into.

I'm not big about having pics of my boobs floating around on the internet, so this is the only picture I have of Kayleigh breastfeeding.  I love it.  It's from our very first day on this beautiful journey, and I'll cherish it forever.

A mom from church gave us a lot of her children's baby things right before Kayleigh was born.  I remember her getting teary as she moved the things from her car to ours.  Now I understand.  Even though my girl is still little, chapters are closing already and it's very bittersweet.  

Giving away that last box of milk tea began the goodbye on this chapter of Kayleigh and my story. As silly and inconsequential as it may seem, it meant that I was giving away my "just in case."  Just in case my supply dwindled.  Just in case I needed to produce more to feed my growing baby.  Just in case she needed her momma more.

I don't need a "just in case" anymore.  My girl is healthy and strong, and I praise God for that.  She's growing every day and is oh-so-proud of herself.  She loves to try new foods, make up new dances, and learn new words.  Pretty soon, this little Mommy's Girl isn't going to want to breastfeed.

But right now, she still loves it.  As long as it lasts, I'm going to love it, too.